Thursday, April 8, 2010

Chapter 15, It's going down...

“What the hell do you think you’re doing in here!” Yo screeched at the anxious scientist.
“I, I, I-- what the hell is this!?” Sven fired back as he beginning to perspire.
Yo snatched the document out of Sven’s hand and shoved the papers underneath the pile.
“When I say stay close I mean it- you don’t know squat about this planet and I’m in no mood to help you either, stay the hell away from this building and with me, Dr. Octopi didn’t appoint me head guard for nothing!”
“I apologize for ditching you outside the Disco Stick but why is my name on that document and why did you snatch it away and further more WHY are you so strict about us coming in this building? What are you hiding from us monkey?”
With that cut to Yo, he whipped around and grabbed both men pulling them through the doors and into the elevator. Both scientists fighting back hit a couple Mirrorlings walking about-
“Watch it!” one of the Mirrorlings gargled to Sven.
Sven was surprised at the acknowledgment the Mirrorling gave him, for they had been ignoring him and Richard all day.
“You better do what those pillowbeaks say to you, you know Dr. Octopi is in charge of most of them!”
Richard seized his fighting and shot Sven an odd look followed by a nod as if trying to tell him something. Sven decided to go along with this and surrender as well. Yo finally loosened his grip and told them it was time to head back to the lab.
“I apologize for getting upset Yo, I shouldn’t have over-reacted,” Sven said pretending to act normal. “I guess there’s a reason for Dr. Octopi to have documents concerning all of his scientists.”
“Exactly” sneered Yo.
Trudging through the forest and shrubbery trying their hardest to keep up with Yo’s incredible pace, Richard quietly motioned to Sven. Pointing to his pocket, Sven noticed the bright orange document peeking out of his khaki’s. Richard had somehow managed the snatch the document labeled ‘Sven Mahoney’ from under the stack of papers back in the Kryptos.
When they finally arrived back to the science lab Yo ordered the two men to stay put while he went to alert Dr. Octopi of their return.

“Quick, open the damn thing up!” Sven whispered to Richard. “How the hell did you manage to snatch that?”
“HA! Guess I’m not the ‘pathetic excuse for a scientist’ like that nasty monkey said!”
The two laughed and ripped open the file, to their surprise it was a long list of words and formulas continued by a hand drawn sketch of two human bodies.
“What is this and why are their two bodies named Sven Mahoney 1 and Sven Mahoney 2? What is this sick bastard up to?”
The two men tried their hardest to quickly read through all the formula’s and make their best conclusions before Yo and Dr. Octopi returned.
“4 strands of DNA embedded enhancers, 2500mcl of nitroglycerin amino acids and molecular hydronic acids…” that is the beginnings of a Cloning!” Sven shouted.
“Shhhh, quiet Sven, we need to figure why he’s cloning people and where he storing…Oh My God”, Richard paused and stared up at Sven “He’s using your clone as part of this whole destroy the world operation.”
“Hello gentlemen! Enjoy the Kryptos?” Dr. Octopi said bursting into the lab, “since you both seem to think you are smart enough and entitled enough to mess around with my operations, we’re going to need to finish this up NOW.” He shot the pillowbeaks at each exit in the lab a look, and they responded by pulling down the barriers in front of each door.
“FINISH THE RECONSTRUCTION NOW SCIENTISTS!” Dr. Octopi screamed as two extremely large pillowbeaks grabbed Sven by the arms forcing him over to the computer.
“I won’t do it! I won’t! Violet, I won’t”

Violet yelped when she heard Sven’s words clear as day in her head. “Oh my God, they’ve already gotten a hold of him- step on it Shawty!”


  1. I know this chapter wasn't especially involved or exciting, but I didn't really get inspired until the end, where I was hoping the climax of the story could finally start taking place. Dr. Octopi is obviously a bad man so maybe now he shows his true colors and begins to get violent!

  2. Hmm...I think you've done a pretty good job with this chapter. I like the suspense elements, and I was impressed that Robert had managed to snatch the document without being noticed.

    I'm not sure how many chapters we have left. Does anyone know? For some reason, I think the total is 22. In that case, I do think that we need to start building toward the climax. BUT...I feel like Sven's choice and his relationship with Violet are just as important as Dr. Octopi's plot. I don't think we should have it completely clear-cut for Sven at this point. I still think he needs to make some decisions so he can be a dynamic character.

    That said...what about Violet? What's her character growth? I think the next chapter needs to be focused on her. Obviously, she and Sven have some relationship issues that need to be worked out. And, as I established in Chapter 5, Violet's always been insecure. I advise the next writer to jump inside Violet's head and push her toward growth.


  3. You did make it clear what was really going on in the chapter but some parts confused me. Did Yo not really believe the building burned off flesh after all? And did they know already that Dr. Octopi planned to destroy the world? I thought they just suspected something was wrong.

    I just feel like your chapter needed to be a little longer to fully explain what was going on internally with the characters too.

    Nice twist with stealing the folder and you did push the story to the climax.

  4. There are some really great things in here, Rosemary! The way you allow Sven to discover the clone/doppelganger plot is well done. You moved the plot along by having Dr. O give Sven an ultimatum. Now Sven realizes that Dr. O is adamant about having the collider fixed ad is no longer pretending to be polite to Sven.

    This chapter was really short, so was difficult to see exactly where you wanted the story to go. Also, I feel like the way Sven got a hold of the papers was unrealistic.

    In the next chapter I will try to focus on Violet. I will try to make her overcome her problems with Sven and her insecurities. I might even switch to Sven and make him deliberate over wether or not to listen to Violet because like Scott said I think he shouldn't be to the point where he for sure believes her yet.

  5. Great climax, Rosemary. I felt the urgency in Dr. Octopi's yelling and Sven and Violet's last communication. And I agree that stealing the document is a nice touch as well.

    I am also concerned that this was too short. It works well, and what it does is important in reaching a climax, but I feel like it's not long enough to do as much as needs to be done with our limited time.

    Looking forward to hearing from Violet!

  6. I really liked some of the elements that you had in this chapter, like the mirrorling "gargling" and the part where Sven is reading off what's on the paper:

    “4 strands of DNA embedded enhancers, 2500mcl of nitroglycerin amino acids and molecular hydronic acids…”

    I thought that added a realistic touch! I too, think that we don't need to be so clear-cut on the plot and who our "good" and "bad" people are. I think that we need to see some more character development from Violet and Sven soon, and more from Billy!

  7. Good job, Rosemary. I think everyone else had some pretty good points. I also liked that the mirrorlings gargle and that Sven found out about the doppelganger plot. I also think you did a good job of leaving some room to develop and explain the doppelganger plot, considering that Sven doesn't know all of the details.

  8. good job girl! it did feel a bit short, but letting Sven see the blueprints for the doppelganger was pretty awesome. As someone mentioned, I loved that Nickle is a thief (bahaha!)

    I support the need for conflict and Billy's return! :)

    "HA! Guess I’m not the ‘pathetic excuse for a scientist’ like that nasty monkey said!"

  9. Good scientific language here!

    It's a bit on the short side, but it works.

    Thanks for stealing the document I mentioned at the end of my chapter. That also works well.

    You brought the intensity with Dr. Octopi.


  10. I enjoyed that the mirrorlings gargle. Makes them even more alien and disintigrating-y. I think Robert stealing the plans could be helpful yo the plot-maybe there are codes in the papers for the LHC or something? I agree that it was a little short, we could have used more development.

  11. I agree with Lauren on pretty much everything here. Haha. The gargling was cool, but I wanted to hear more description. This was a particularly spartan chapter in that aspect.

    As everyone's said, more would have certainly been welcome. You gave us some interesting nuggets but I don't think you pushed very far in any direction. This was another one of those 'walk through the forest back to square one' chapters in a lot of ways, and I think we need to move past that. Although I don't mind them being back in the lab, I would like to see more action to justify what happened.

    I feel like Sven's inability to put two and two together was a little unrealistic. I know this is a bizarre science fiction fantasy story, but in-depth character development is even more crucial in this kind of story. If you write more, the likelihood of potent, nuanced moments is sure to increase. Don't give up so easily!