Saturday, March 27, 2010

Chatper 4: Walks Along the Sand

"Sven I'm stopping to empty my shoes, half the beach is in them." Sven didn't slow down as he replied, "Seriously Violet, half the beach?" Violet was beginning to regret wearing her slip on grasshoppers to work, but she really could imagine piles of sound pouring out of them like a cartoon. “Yes, Sven, and if I don’t empty them you can enjoy scientific research on blisters worthy of the Guinness book!” Sven began to retort, but something in the sand caught his attention and he went forward to investigate. Violet balanced on one foot as she emptied her shoe. Sand poured out in a steady stream. It wasn't quite the piles she had expected, but it was still a lot. When both shoes were emptied she glanced back at Sven. He was still darting around like an excited puppy. She could her clips of his mumbled exclamations "This is amazing!...growing in the sand!....unbelievable!...." Listening to him she couldn't help smiling, his childish enthusiasm did have its charm.


Their parents had taken them to the beach like this (minus the giant wave of course) when they were kids. Sven had told her the pH level of the water and she had told him about literary figures bewitched by the sea. He ran about with that same excited glow in his eyes, except back then they both ran about with that glow. Once they had found a giant jelly fish washed ashore. Sven said it was still alive and he wanted to take it home as a pet, but Violet had put it back in water. It stung her arms when she lifted it. Her parent's had scolded her: "Its just a dumb jelly fish it doesn't care about life. And besides now it will sting someone else instead of dying in the sand like it should." Sven had been hurt that she let it go. "I would have taken good care of it Vi, it would have been safer than in the ocean," Sven had actually cried after he said that. Violet looked across the sand at her grown brother and wondered if he would find some creature here that he would want to bring home to study.


The scent of burning sugar returned. Violet looked back just in time to see the dim green swirls of a vortex opening in the direction of the city. "The patrol" she gasped and ran towards Sven. Running on sand was hard, much harder than she remembered. When Violet reached Sven each breath seemed to rattle her insides. She grabbed his shoulder and pointed down the beach toward the opening vortex. "Yes Violet, that is the way we came and no I don't think the beach looks fuller since you emptied your shoes," he said barely glancing up from something in the sand. Violet glared at him and between heaving breaths manged to say "vortex" and "patrol." Sven jumped up and looked down the beach. The swirling green portal was fading and Sven smiled. "Ooh, so you think er should use that to run away from the patrol," he laughed at the idea. For the first time since she began running Violet looked back. It was true, the portal had not opened for an angry patrol, but for a rusty pickup truck instead. Violet blushed then hurriedly said "lets just keep moving." "Fine by me, you're the one who wanted to stop," Sven said as he pocketed the object he had been ogling. "Well, you didn't seem too upset about the chance to document new species 'for science!' "Violet snapped back. Punching Sven really seemed like a good idea at the moment, so she began walking again.


She walked fast and didn't look back. Not that she needed to because she could here Sven get up and begin following her. Violet glanced around her thinking, "this new wonderland might be a pretty nice place if Sven and I could just get along." But as that seemed about as likely as getting back to the library to help Sylvia shift books, walking in silence was nice too. She could hear the water gently lapping at the sand, though she couldn't see it moving. All manner of noises came from the forests. It was like walking in the Sahara next to a rain forest. (Not that Violet had been to either place, but it was certainly the way she imagined them from her books and movies.)


Screeching, chirping, cooing, chattering all distracted her so that she didn't notice the great wave seemed to be closer. Then there was a noise she knew very well but just couldn't place. It came again, a deep rumbling roll, and Violet realized it was her stomach growling. "It must be getting late" she thought and looked down at her watch. It was time to feed Junior Mint and put in her foreign film for the day, she had just gotten an Aishwarya Rai film. It looked amazing, something about thieves , not that it matter now though, she'd never get to see it. "I hope Sylvia thinks to feed Jr. for me, I've never left her before," Violet said aloud, forgetting that Sven was with her."Come on Violet, its a cat. It can find something to eat in and apartment building," Sven rolled his eyes. "Yeah but --" Violet began to express her doubts but decided she liked silence better. Walking in silence, Violet had time to realize that she too was hungry. "I wonder what sort of food they eat here. Do the trees produce fruit?" With a quick glance to her left Violet did see that the trees had bright shapes hanging from them. On a tree near the border she saw what looked like kiwano melon and dragon fruit dangling in clusters from the root-like branches. It looked so perfectly lush. Violet remembered a poem she had read once read, about a story she'd never read, "Perfect and Poisonous," the world had looked great there too. She bit her lower lip, perhaps the man in the clearing would have food for them.


Sven suddenly stopped and grabbed Violet's shoulder. "What is it now?" she began, but he motioned for her to be silent. She hadn't been paying attention to her surrounds and now it seemed different. Everything had gone silent, all the creatures in the woods had shut up and even Violet's stomach was respecting Sven's command.Then she heard it too: voices. They both turned expecting to see people further back on the sand. Then Violet saw what she had feared since entering this wonderland, the tidal wave was coming in. A few waves were already washing up high onto the sand. When the water receded each time it brought back parts of humans hands, arms, legs Violet had to look away. But she couldn't advert her eyes for long. When she looked back she noticed that the waves were not effecting the objects, her mailbox and Sylvia's bench looked as if the water had never come near them. The tidal wave was closer and she and Sven just stared. Then she saw one of the smaller waves come back with a living person. The person was struggling to escape like a fish trying to flip back into the water. Violet started forward but stopped suddenly, "Sven, is- I mean could this be the patrol?"


Sven just started at the waves coming in. "Sven, we are going into that forest right now," Violet grabbed his hand and began running. The waves seemed to be following at their heels, but Violet knew better than to look back. The wet sand stuck to their legs and the water weighed down their shoes as if the beach desired to keep them out of the forest. Violet's legs began to ache, but she just knew that wave was the patrol. The scent of burning sugar cookies was overwhelming now as Violet and Sven reached the forest. "Sven, if I ever get home I'm never eating another sugar cookie" Violet panted. They took a few steps into the forest and sat down for a moment. Violet looked back at the beach and saw the tidal wave come rushing in closer and closer. "Billy said to go to the forest, we'll be safe here right?" Violet had her eyes on the approaching wave as she spoke. "I thought you were the one listening" Sven retorted. Then they were buried under the wave.


Violet listened to the gurgling water in her ears and remembered Billy's words"lose them in the forest." She opened her eyes to the blurry world, there was Sven next to her a tree beside them. She could cling to it, yes that was the answer. Sven had opened his eyes too and had a funny look on his face "The fool is probably trying to breath in the water for the sake of science" Violet thought. She motioned him toward the tree and they began to climb up the trunk. Violet's chest felt tight and her ears popped, she needed to breath again. Just a little further and they'd be above the water and in the oxygen filled canopy above. Was this the way the jellyfish had felt in the sand? The waters began to move. Violet felt like she was caught in a giant rip tide, one that would take her into the hands of an unknown people. What would she do if it carried her away? She closed her eyes and clung tighter to the tree.

12 comments:

  1. As Shane planned on leaving the building open for Scott to work in Red Lobster, I tried to give history to the sibling relationship and get them into the forest. Before I saw Shane's post I though Violet could fall asleep in the branches and dream about having gone out with Sylvia and met rich men...so that's just an idea.

    Shane's chapter left some openings for Violet (and Sven) being their for a purpose and the city being a hindrance. On that note I thought having the beach and wave opposed could add to the "human's in a new world for a purpose despite what the popular/ruling power wants" feel.

    I tried to slow it down in preparation for a "heart", sorry if it is too slow.

    Good luck Scott!

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  2. I liked the use of flashback... There seems to be a lot of distance between the children and their parents, like there was in Jumanji, starring Robin Williams.

    The tidal wave washing them away was really neat.

    What was growing in the grass? Who washed up on shore? Are the portals that the bizarro world residents use for transportation the same kind of portals that are bringing people and things from Earth?

    The dialogue is really refreshing and well-paced! Also, your use of links was really helpful. Thanks! - Trent

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  3. Yay! That's a good idea...a dream sequence. I could work with that. :) That could delve deeper into Violet's psyche.

    Really loved the idea of the tidal wave being the patrol...clever and whimsical. Overall, I think you did a nice job moving the story along. And thanks for the setup.

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  4. Loved it! So creative! I love the wave being the patrol! I would have never dreamed of that so it's wonderful!

    I really liked the increase in personality in dialogue such as worrying about the cat, not ever wanting sugar cookies again.

    And the "for science" being repeated is not only funny but it shows that Sven puts his work before everything and Violet knows it.

    I think you were able to keep the pace up well while providing needed information to deepen the story.

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  5. Great post! I wasn't expecting some of it, but it was really interesting. I think you added another layer to the relationship between Sven and Violet, and the wave being the patrol is a nice touch. It kind of makes me wonder: what if the City is underwater? Just a thought. Excited about hearing from Scott!

    I also loved the links, especially the fruit pictures. The long paragraphs with a lot of separate quotes were a little hard to read though.

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  6. Great Job! The tidal wave bring the patrol is a great idea, and like Shane said, I was also thinking the city could be underwater so that's a possibility. You did a nice job of further developing Violet and Sven's family dynamics. I enjoyed the links you posted as well!

    Right now it seems like the internal conflict of the story is the relationship between Sven and Violet. I think that's great, and it certainly works, but if that's not what we want it to be we have to start introducing another internal conflict...just a thought!

    Well done, Allana!

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  7. Hmm...well, as far as an underwater city, someone else can work that in for a later chapter, but that's not the route I chose. :( Sorry.

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  8. Awesome work with the dialogue and flashbacks! I'm so intrigued to see what will happen next with the portals! It seems that we're going deeper with Sven & Violet which is also a plus.

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  9. I also like that the wave is the patrol. That was a really clever way to expand this dimension even further. I enjoyed your links, especially the melon. I think you did a good job, but I think there could have been a little more action. I know it's too late now, but I'm just saying to be annoying I guess. Otherwise, I think it progressed their relationship even further.

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  10. Great job! One of the things I really liked in this chapter was the flashback with the jellyfish. It explains a lot about their personalities! I think that more information/description about their relationship with their parents would be good as well (since we now know they're divorced and Sven is upset by this.)
    Another thing I liked was the possibility of things in this land that look beautiful on the outside (like the fruit) having the possibility of being dangerous. It brings up a question of trust... can we trust the things in this new world? What about the people? For future chapters, I think it'd be a good idea to continue developing this mood.
    Finally, your "patrol" is fantastic! It was so creepy that there were voices coming from it too! Now I'm even more excited to hear about this city!
    (I also really appreciated the links! Awesome!)

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  11. Great Job! Like everone else said, I really liked your use of flashbacks and the links. I also really liked how you kept up the sarcasm of Violet and Sven.

    I like the idea of an underwater city, too.

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  12. Ahh it's getting really good! I'm nervous to continue this story soon! I loved this chapter- it was eventful but yet still helpful enough to move the story along nicely. The flashback was written perfectly- never confused the reader once. It really showed some insight to their relationship and was touching as well. I like Violets personality even more now, she's very caring and deep

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