Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Evil Monkey Business

Oh jeez thought Violet- I can’t remember what I am supposed to say back to this guy. She focus her eyes on the man’s shiny badge and tried to think what the Billy guy had told her and Sven about this. “Oh yeah!”, she yelled “I remember—could I have a green one?” she asked with a confident smile. The very tiny man stared up at her with a crinkled brow, and began frowning. “tsk tsk tsk” he spat at her, “You think you can try to fool me with that?, Noone is getting past me with that phony response!, you must take me for a fool!” Violet tried to think as hard as possible what the right response was supposed to be, but after the extraordinary day she had how was she to remember something as small as that? Where the hell is Sven when I need him? She thought. How am I supposed to fend for myself in a place where I didn’t even plan on being- he’s the sciencey one who knows all about this stuff! The man slammed the door abruptly telling her to go away if she planned on fooling around like this.
Violet plopped down on a large mushroom-like stump, it was nice and fluffy the sand so soft between her toes made her become sleepy and weary-eyed. I want to go home, she thought as she started yawning. As she breathed in after each yawn she could almost taste that burnt sugar cookie smell, she spat on the sand and was immediately awaken when she saw the patrol ocean starting for her again. Almost miraculously she remembered what Billy had told her. “DO YOU HAVE ONE IN BLUE!!” she screamed as she busted through the door into the building. The little man came around from his desk, Violet gasped at his body. From his head to the end of his rib cage he was a short stumpy sort of man, then from his stomach on he had monkey feet and a hairy tail popping out through his trousers. “So you did meet Billy I take it?” he asked Violet with a grin.
“Uhh yes, my brother Sven and I did right when we landed in the vortex, he told us to find this building and ask if you had a nightcap in blue” she said not making eye contact with him,. She was too occupied looking at his strange body.
“OH for god sakes” the little monkeyman yelped. “Haven’t you ever seen a half man half pillowbeak??.”
“Not recently” Violet replied sarcastically.
“Never mind that, you are here with your brother you say?” the little man asked looking behind her and outside the door.
“Yes I am but we were separated during the patrol waves…I guess I didn’t try too hard to stay with him” she confessed quietly.
The little man could tell that there was some tension there and decided to leave it alone while he motioned Violet to follow him.
The two walked down a hallway which slowly seemed to be a chimney like tunnel, Violet noticed her feet were no longer trudging in front of her, but rather directly in place. She was marching and going down like a pencil dive in the pool! She saw the monkeyman directly below her marching in the same manner. When are things going to be normal again, she wondered—
“Not until we’ve figured this all out” the man shouted from under her.
He just heard inside my head! She panicked.
“Yep, it’s something I’ve been working on” he chuckled.
The long vertical tunnel came to a stop, they were standing on what felt like sand but it was too dark to see. Violet put her hands out in front of her to try and find some sort of stability, since she was feeling extremely light-headed from all the vertical travelling.
‘You’ll be fine, just take a deep breath” the little man said, “sorry I read your mind, I just don’t want you to worry if you don’t have to” he said. “Now, suck in some air and duck.”
Just as Violet obeyed his command they ducked through a stone arch and were in the forest light again. Chirping, and squaking came from high upon the tree bottoms. Then, "Those monkey-bastards may have killed my sister!" Violet heard Sven clearer than day behind her. But when she turned to see him there was nothing, just forest. Then she heard her own voice, “Own up to your mistakes, Sven, you drove me away.”
This was all too weird and Violet shouted at the monkeyman demanding to tell her what was going on. “Do you have my brother in captivity? Where is he! I demand to know at once!.”
The little man stopped and stared at Violet, “You would like to know, wouldn’t you?”

13 comments:

  1. I wanted to create a scary take on the man in the building with all the answers, Sort of a creeping Wizard Of Oz feel- I wasn't sure what to do next I left it up to the next chapter, I was thinking that something could happen to Violet and it is Sven's job to save her. Hope you like it

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  2. I think your imagery is strong. I like the tunnel and the forest light bursting through at the end. Also, I thought the mushroom was a nice touch.

    I found this difficult to read due to numerous punctuation errors.

    While I find it interesting that the man in the "building" is half-monkey, I think it's time we introduced more creatures. I'm totally fine with him being half-Pillowbeak-- I just think our world should be expanded.

    I'm not sure exactly how many chapters we have left, but we definitely need to utilize each one to expand something -- the world, the characters, etc. I feel like this chapter just kind of happened, and there wasn't really any depth to it.

    Believability's also an issue here. I can almost believe that this guy can read Violet's mind (this is an alternate reality, after all), but the way that it's presented here is almost cliche.

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  3. I thought you had some very nice moments in here... like finding out the man was half pillowbeak and the part where the patrol comes back for her and she bursts through the door yelling, "DO YOU HAVE ONE IN BLUE!!" I thought that was really funny! The fact that the man can read minds is also a nice touch. I'm interested to see how the next few chapters will play out and answer some questions... like what's the deal with being able to hear Sven's voice? Is Pillowbeak Man good or is he in league with Dr. Octopi? How will Violet's mission play into what's going on with the LHC and Sven? And most importantly... what about Sven and Violet's relationship? Is there something more at its root, something that happened in childhood? How will this be addressed/come to a head? Just a few things to be thinking about for the next few people!

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  4. I think allowing Violet and Sven to hear each other's voices is an interesting touch that could be expanded upon later. I also liked the way that you have Violet at first forget what the code is when asked about the nightcap and then remember it. You did a good job of creating a scary/weird vibe like you were going for.

    We need to know what this half-monkey man has to do with the rest of the story. Maybe we are beginning to involve too many characters. I think we need to start developing the characters we have rather than to add new ones. Maybe we can bring Sylvia or Billy back into it some how. And what about Junior Mint? Are we still going with Violet becoming as assassin? How are all these things going to tie together?

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  5. I have a few questions about your chapter:
    Why does Violet keep yelling? I feel like this is a little out of character for her, but I suppose she was distressed. I think it fit at the moment Lauren mentioned when she burst back through the door with the correct answer, but probably not the other times.
    I have to agree with Scott that it was a little tough to navigate. I think if you can go back through and fix your run-on sentences it will help you create a more cohesive chapter.

    I loved that she admitted (under her breath, though, which was perfect) that she didn't try to hold on to Sven. Perhaps the next person can expand on this and explain if maybe there is something going back to their childhood which would make her less likely to hold on to him?

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  6. There were a lot of great items and moments in this chapter. The mind reading was a great touch in this chapter, and really went well. The way they hear each other is also super intriguing...

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  7. You most assuredly achieved the creepy wizard of Oz touch! I'm proud! :)

    Honestly that bit of Oz reference reminds me of Wicked and the way the wizard and his emerald city is really all about progress (And rather evil too) while the "wicked witch" is actually protecting the talking animals.

    The idea of Violet hearing her voice say something that she really didn't opens up a possibility for "Junior Mint" to come in and be confused with Violet (if we want to go that route)

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  8. Hmm, Junior Mint as Violet's alternate reality doppelganger? This could be interesting...

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  9. Violet only yells once in this chapter Grace- but I thought that it was perfect since she was being chased by the patrol waves and needed to get inside.

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  10. There is some really good stuff here... The characters are cute, the fantasy elements are charming, and the dialogue is funny. I didn't really see the Clearing Man portrayed here as evil, though... He seemed sort of playful and tricksy, but harmless really. I am glad you continued to develop the psychic element, and the imagery is colorful.

    However, I feel like we need more! This chapter is somewhat short, and Violet's forgetfulness combined with the Clearing Man's stubbornness slows things down. Then we go on a walk and we're back in the forest again... Square one. We need more action in a short story with a big plot. Rosemary, you can take the story in bold places! Flashbacks and new characters need attention... We need more plot per chapter.

    I guess the wave should be more fleshed out as well, since it seemed to cause some really erratic behavior in Violet here. I feel that she would be really excited about being in this place, rather than dreading its abnormality.

    I personally vote against stepping too too far into fantasy realm. It might be a little overtly mythological for a story whose plot revolves around the Large Hadron Collider (more sci-fi than fantasy). I suggest we have another meeting in class to agree upon some general arc for the plot.

    Thanks for sharing, Rosemary!

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  11. I agree a lot with Trent.
    I really enjoyed the chapter. I feel like some open class disscussion will go a long way in clearing up all the confusion that seems to be occuring.

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  12. Well, I agree with most everyone. I really liked your description of VIolet's thought process, especially concerning the nightcap. I also like that the man is half pillowbeak.

    I like the idea we talked about that has Violet's doppelganger as an assassin. I also think the end of your chapter really opens this section up for the explanations we talked about in class.

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  13. I second all votes for Violet's assassinous doppleganger.

    Also, I really liked what you did with the line about the nightcap (to echo others). The monkeyman was great too, but like Trent said, I don't see him as evil either.

    This was a little short for our purpose I think, but that's already been reiterated a few times. My main problem is Scott's, that it doesn't really take us anywhere.

    Great chimney-tunnel thing though, and I love the mind reading!

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